The Stack
Your resume is in here somewhere. Do you know if it will come out?
How to get hired
There seems to be this philosophy abound in certain groups of would-be employees: annoy the living crap out of the guy doing the hiring. I have heard job coaches give this advice like it is some sort of golden, untapped method. The only thing it accomplishes is pissing off and annoying the person doing the hiring. And guess what, that’s the last thing you want to do.
There are ways of getting yourself noticed and taken out of the stack (which I will explain in a later post). Here are a few methods to help yourself get noticed for the right reasons:
- Ask for the interview: you should first consider the recruitment process to be that of a sales process. If you must know one principle about sales, let it be that you must ask for it. For example, a good way to ask for an interview over the phone or in person would be to ask the hiring manager “I am available all of this week and early next week to tell you more about my experience. Which of those is good for you?” If that is too forward for your personality, ask for a time when you could go into more detail about your experience. Be prepared for it to be right then.
- Don’t call more than twice a week: Period. End of story. Unless you are solicited for a call, don’t do it. I would advise once a week if you haven’t been contacted about a position.
- Don’t e-mail more than twice a week: Same rule as above.
- Don’t show up to ask about it: Significantly worse than interupting my day with a phone call or e-mail is interupting my day, getting out of my chair, going to the front office and chatting with you. What I am going to tell you is “I will be getting in touch with qualified candidates by telephone or e-mail.” Don’t come by my office unless you are dropping off a resume or coming in for a requested interview.
- Be on your best behavior: Throwing a fit or giving me a facial expression that I deem “disgusted with my answer” whenever I tell you I am getting in touch with qualified candidates by telephone or e-mail is one way to never be considered for any position in our company ever.
If you do the above, you will have a decent shot at getting interviewed. If you break rules, you will likely get hired at a used car lot. If they are desperate.
How to get fired gracefully
Chances are, at one point of your working life or another, you’re going to get canned. I feel bad to be breaking the news to you but in the world of higher turnover and rapidly changing demand, the American employee is more expendable than ever (as long as “ever” means before 1940). Expendability aside, we should all be preparing for the worst. A downturn in business, a relocation, outsourcing, a bad personal decision…the list goes on. You should be ready to seek a job tomorrow. But that is a post for another day…
One way to not get fired gracefully is to make a big scene. It is really easy to lose it at that moment. You are thinking about everything that is going to change and hopefully you have an HR guy who prepares you and emphatically explains how to go about picking up your final check, belongings, filing for COBRA and maybe even giving you resources for with the unemployment office. I’ve had people getting fired (either being laid off or being fired for performance or misconduct issues) punch a supervisor in the face, flip off the entire office, throw a chair, scream, cry and not say anything at all.
To say it lightly, we’ve seen it all. And frankly, HR guys are unimpressed with this sort of bullshit. You might be pissed but your HR guy is likely going to be pissed for you. It is true. Even getting fired for all but the worst misconduct can be smoothed over by an understanding and apologetic employee. In those situations, I am much more likely to pass your future employer asking for a professional reference to a co-worker who liked you as opposed to the supervisor who now hates you because of his black eye. An employee who throws a fit is likely to get no sympathy and as soon as I get the reference release from your future employer, don’t think that I am not going to let them know every factual detail.
In short, don’t be stupid when fired. Take it calmly, be apologetic, ask all the questions you need and pack your stuff. Your future employability depends on it.
Interview Tip: Show up, bring booze
Nothing delights me more than people showing up to an interview with alcohol on their breath. It makes my job as an HR guy more interesting and gives me good stories to tell. Considering this has happened multiple times, I’ll tell you what pretty much goes through my mind:
This is awesome. I am going to interview them until I can identify what kind of booze they were drinking. That’s definitely not wine. Ask a long question and lean in closer. It’s not beer either. Oh, it is definitely whiskey. Oh man, how cool is that! This is a morning interview right. Yep, 9:30AM. Well, let me wrap this up.
If you need something to ease your nerves, there are very effective prescriptions to help. Booze will not help though. Most people who do interviews have gone to college. They know what booze breath smells like.
The audacity of also doing absolutely nothing to cover it up means you must have drank a lot. Or you are just an idiot. Or both. Probably both.
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About
Your HR Guy is a Human Resources Generalist practicing in the field. But don't let that fool you, this isn't a boring blog. I seek relevance and humor in a place we will spend much of our lives. Everything from workplace issues, job seeking and terrible bosses. Read more...
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